[mistry]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b**ch knows I'm smarter than her.

[ed335d]

Ha ha!

Another:

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the
body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit
he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best
in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde
mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please
have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit
fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did
an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her
astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if
she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said
it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'






'So I just switched the heads.'

[marriedblonde]

The Silent Treatment...
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM '

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied , 'in-laws''

WOMEN'S REVENGE..

'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?'
I asked.

'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'





UNDERSTANDING WOMEN..
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider..

W O R D S..

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION..

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !!!


WHO DOES WHAT..

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'


The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece..