[R4R]

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.
One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.
Apparently 'my d*ck' is not an acceptable answer.

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A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you twat !'

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why are women like clouds? eventually they fu*k off and its a really nice day

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Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

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A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'

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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fu*king big red mark on her forehead.

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I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

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Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's fu*king hilarious....

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I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.

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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so fu*king lucky... Mine's still alive...'

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fu*k off, you won't bring it back.'

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2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wife's an epileptic'

Dario

[booforty]

They are funny!

[330cdsport]

Some great jokes there - Thanks

[SoYank]

Hear about the inept terrorist? He was sent to blow up a car but burned his lips on the tailpipe.

[Evil Diesel]

Child Support forms

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind.
I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 46 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart

[sheps]

A blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.
"Who wants to hear a good joke about Blondes?" he says.
The barmaid approaches him and says "Look buddy. I'm blonde. I'm 5'11" I weigh 14 stone, and I'm the county Judo champ. Standing right behind you is my best friend. She's also Blonde. She's 6'1" weighs 16 stone and is county Karate champion. The bouncer on the door is also blonde, she's 5'11" weighs 18 stone and she's a pro-wrestler. Now, tell me, do you still want to tell that Blonde joke?"
"Nah," says the man "Not if I have to explain it 3 times."

[NathanJT]

Someone has been spending too much time on sickipedia.org

[sheps]

Originally Posted by NathanJT

Someone has been spending too much time on sickipedia.org

Who, me? No sir, had never even heard of that site until you ust mentioned it (it's well and truly bookmarked now though!!!)

That one came from FHM, about 6 months ago...

[sheps]

Three friends from school meet up. They're now in their 50's.
2 of them have become succesful, and subsequnetly wealthy. the third guy, not so much.

They're dicussing what they've bought their wives for the coming Christmas

Man 1 had decided to by his missus a new SL and a fur coat. "That way," he said "If she doesn't like the Merc she can walk where she likes, without getting cold".

Man 2 had decided to buy his wife a platinum and 5 carat diamond ring and an apartment in New York. "That way," he said "If she doesn't like thr ing I chose she can go to New York and PIck herself something out from Tiffany's"

Man three, the not so succesful one, had decidied to buy his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. "That way," he said "If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself"

[Whostheboss]

http://www.e90post.com/forums/showthread.php?t=167042

[sheps]

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'So does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the fu*king price'