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      12-10-2015, 06:34 PM   #1
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Joke of the Day thread

What happened to the original thread?

Anyway, here's one for today:-

When I had a prostate examination, the doctor proceeded to say "don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during a prostate exam."

I said "but I haven't got an erection."

The doctor said "no, but I have."

Q
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      12-11-2015, 02:55 AM   #2
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Man goes to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back.

About halfway through he says to the bloke "can you make his tomohawk really big?"

To which the bloke replies "let me just finish his turban first!"
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      12-14-2015, 06:00 PM   #3
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'murican tourist in London

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour
group and explore the city on his own. He wanders
around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a
quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the
locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice
neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs,
no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all no public
conveniences.

However, he really has to go, after all those
Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high
walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides
to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a
London bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do
that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but
I really have to go, and I just can't find a public
restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me". He leads
the American to a back delivery alley with a gate, which
he opens.

"In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir,
anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most
beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass
lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and
huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves
himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes
back through the gate, he says to the bobby "That was
really decent of you. Is that what you call English
hospitality?"




"No sir...", replied the bobby, "that is what we call
the French Embassy."


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Last edited by Quantox; 12-15-2015 at 06:21 PM..
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      12-15-2015, 05:50 AM   #4
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World Strongest Man

The local pub was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"



The man replied, "I work for the Inland Revenue."
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      12-15-2015, 05:42 PM   #5
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Jurgen Klopp has just signed the latest starlet of Iraqi football and quickly blooded him into the first team.

While on the bench for his first European game, Liverpool were 3-0 down. 15 mins left on comes the new star - Shami.

In the final 15 mins he amazingly scores a hat trick and sets one up for Liverpool to win 4-3.

Following the game during a loving embrace he begs Jurgen Klopp to lend him his phone so he can call his mum who he misses dearly and tell her about this amazing feat

"Mum, guess what....I am on the pitch, the whistle has gone, we won 4-3 and it's all down to me, I scored 3 goals and created the other"

"Great Shami, what do you want?"

"Mum, aren't you pleased?"

"Pleased - pleased? While you are messing around on that pitch, your father has been stabbed, your sister sexually assaulted, our car has been stolen and our house burnt down...."

"I'm , I'm so sorry mum ....."

"Sorry, sorry? It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!!!"

(Sorry Liverpudlians - I love the place really x)
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      02-10-2016, 01:40 PM   #6
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An Englishman and a Scotsman....... If such partisan jokes are still allowed!


Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a
few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some stupid tourist is going
to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Scotsman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish
accent asked,

'What are you selling' here'

One of the men replied sarcastically,

'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said,

'You are doing well then ... Only two left!'
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      02-11-2016, 03:12 AM   #7
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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.

The Italian said, "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes."


The Frenchman said, "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate
love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."


Then the Aussie said, That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, y'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long
hours."



The astonished Italian and Frenchman asked, "Two full hours? Wow, that's phenomenal! How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"




The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains!"
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      04-25-2016, 07:21 AM   #8
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Garage List
Police Officer Test

How do you tell the difference between an Australian, an English, an American and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night when suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWERS:

English Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
  1. Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
  2. Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
  3. Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
  4. Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
  5. Am I dressed provocatively?
  6. Could I run away?
  7. Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
  8. Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
  9. Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
  10. Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
  11. If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
  12. If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
  13. If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my home?

Australian Police Officer:
BANG !

American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Scottish Police Officer:
"Heh, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"
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      04-25-2016, 09:21 AM   #9
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These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
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      04-25-2016, 09:31 AM   #10
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After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, Forty six years ago we had a cheap house, a small car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.

Now .... I have a £750,000 home, a £50,000 car, a king sized bed and a large flat screen screen TV, but Im sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that youre not holding up your side of things.?

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a small car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren?t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy?s problems
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      06-04-2016, 12:03 PM   #11
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HMRC have apparently returned a tax return to a man in Evesham advising him that he had answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question “do you have anyone dependent on you?” The man answered:



“2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 2.2 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Parliament, and the whole of the European commission.”

HMRC deemed this response as unacceptable. To this, the man replied saying “who did I miss out?”

True story apparently
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      06-04-2016, 12:13 PM   #12
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An 8 yr old and a 7yr old are in their bedroom.

The 8yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing."

The brother nods in agreement.

"When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 8yr old.

The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast.

"I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!"

The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair.

The mother asks the 7yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 7yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"
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      06-04-2016, 12:21 PM   #13
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I almost had a threesome last night.

Just needed another 2 people.
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      06-04-2016, 12:48 PM   #14
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Did you hear about the man who painted his wife with cheese?

He double gloucester.
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      06-04-2016, 01:02 PM   #15
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Insurance

Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:


Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.

Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability.

Sex with an OAP ? Saga.

Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident.

And finally
Sex with a transvestite - Confused.Com.
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      06-04-2016, 01:12 PM   #16
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What makes 9 of out of 10 people happy?
.
.
.
.
.
Gang Rape
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      06-04-2016, 01:31 PM   #17
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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
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      06-04-2016, 02:18 PM   #18
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How do you hide a horse with cheese?

Mascarpone.
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      12-24-2016, 05:17 AM   #19
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, Business trip or pleasure?

She turned, smiled and said, Business. Im going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, What's your Business at this convention?

Lecturer,she responded. I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

Really he said. And what kind of myths are there?

Well, she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. Im Sorry, she said, I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't Even know your name.

Tonto,the man said, Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
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      12-24-2016, 03:38 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Robbo View Post
How do you hide a horse with cheese?

Mascarpone.
Did you hear about the explosion in the French cheese factory? There was debris everywhere.
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      12-24-2016, 04:18 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brigand
An 8 yr old and a 7yr old are in their bedroom.

The 8yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing."

The brother nods in agreement.

"When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 8yr old.

The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast.

"I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!"

The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair.

The mother asks the 7yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 7yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"


Made me laugh
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      12-25-2016, 04:09 PM   #22
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My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's,
his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

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