[lons]

This fits someone I know!

THE LAST PENNY

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 pennies to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts Slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,puts he coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects,the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "








"No" the woman replied " I'm with the Inland Revenue"

[jjbirch]

saw this last week and laughed this one is funny too
FIRST TIME SEX
.............


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[lons]

This will upset a few blonde members

BLONDE LOGIC?

A man is chatting to a blonde girl at the bar late one night when the 10 o’clock news comes on to the TV

There are scenes of a man threatening to jump off a bridge, surrounded by police and councellors trying to talk him down.

The man says to the girl “I bet a pound to a penny that he’ll jump”

“No way says the girl, he won’t do it”

A tenner says he does said the bloke, You’re on said the girl and so they watched until 10 minutes later, the guy on the bridge threw himself to his death.

“Told you so” said the man pocketing the bet – “Shit” said the girl

Anyway, as the night went on they became quite friendly and the man eventually said, “ I have to be honest, I can’t take your money as I knew he would jump. I saw it earlier on the 6 o’clock news”


“So did I” said the blonde girl “but I really didn’t think he’d be stupid enough to do it again”

[lons]

Rahul wants to enter the UK legally and to do so, has to pass a test.

He is told by the officer "you have to make up a sentance using the words GREEN, PINK and YELLOW

Rahul replies:

"The telephone goes green, green, green and I pink it up and say yellow



Rahul now works at a call centre near you!

[jjbirch]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.



MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: ' £ 90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £ 950,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'



funny lol

[jjbirch]

Now here is a question you do not get too often...



A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.



She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.



He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"



She slams the door in disgust...



The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he

asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina?"



She slams the door again.



Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened

for the last two days.



The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey, I am

taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".



The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to hide

behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes

to the question because I want to see where he is going with it."

She nods yes to her husband, and opens the door.



Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.

"Do you have a vagina?"........ "Yes" she says......



The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my

wife's alone and start using yours?"

[lons]

LOL

Got to go and do some work now - will pick this up later

[E902717]

[lons]

these made me laugh

[dxb335d]

LOLOLO