Hiya,
happy new year! Reaching out for some help to all you dating experts
I have been spending considerable time with a girl and I think we can say we both enjoy each other's presence. I certainly enjoy hers, from her wittiness and intellect to her looks... We are not intimate, so as below, all judgements of appearance are with clothes on.
I have been subjected to some congruence tests in the past, some I believe I handled well (with the types of "Uh-huh" responses and keeping my cool), but on New Year, I was faced with a test (? or so I believe) which got me thinking (I am an overthinker...)
Based on the fact that my responses seemed to be ignored and her opinions were repeatedly stated (while I stood behind mine) makes it seem like some sort of escalated congruence test...
Our phone conversation started something like this (m = me, h = her):
M: Hey, so how was your first day of new year? Any changes???
H: Naaah, it's all the same... I looked everywhere, and everything seems to be the same (joking voice) How about you?
M: Oh, dramatic changes! (sarcasm) So I got up early, just kidding... I got up as normal, did some exercise...
H: Hmmm, I'd like to ask you, you've been exercising a lot in the past year, but I don't see any changes. Do you see any changes? Like are you going to need to buy a bigger shirt? (Serious voice)
M: Well, actually, I haven't exercised in the past 4 months...
H: Yeah, but... [[[ my above comment was dismissed, as if it didn't matter... no interest as to why I haven't exercised (due to work), etc.]]] You know, I don't know how you exercise, but I mean, I can't see any changes on you. Can you see any changes?
M: Yeah, my shirt is tighter... around my belly [jokingly, but it's also true... she is convinced I have to GAIN mass, not be lean... whereas due to the fact that I have been sedentary, I would prefer to loose some weight, and then regain]... No, but really, I can feel more fitted in my arms, shoulders and torso
H: Yeah, but I can't see it. I mean, girls would digg you/digg men with broad shoulders. So have you gone up a shirt size? If you're still wearing the same shirt size, you're not growing...
M: No, shirt size is still the same...
H: Yeah, so you must not be exercising for growth (she knows I much prefer function/endurance rather than outright hypertrophy)... I mean, I'm sorry I'm so strict on you, but it's like if I told you "I'm exercising every day" and you saw nothing...
M: Yeah, well when I started out, I was lifting 60 kg, now I am lifting 100...
H: Yeah, I still can't see it. But anyway, if you want to have the body of a jogi, so be it...
M: Nah, I don't want to be a jogi... or Arnold Schwarzenneger, for that matter. I would much rather be like Bruce Lee...
H: That's a strange choice, I mean why would you choose world champion Arnold?
M: Cause I only go for the best...
H: Yeah... well... train however you want...
M: Yep, so after strength training, I got on the bike...
H: You see, you keep running to that bike!!! Cause you're good at it! Trying to find the easy way out (strict voice)
M: Actually, I ride my bike because I enjoy it.
H: Yeah, well it's not going to give you a hot body. I mean, a road cyclist body, what woman would lust after that...
M: Yeah, well give me a month to get into my exercise routine, and then I'll show you... And what about you, how was your day?
H: Yeah, I had a lazy day... Maybe you'd like to come over for tea tomorrow?
M: Sure, let me know... hey, and thank you for your honesty about the exercise thing!
Then some small talk and "over and out".
So, well, uh... what should I think of this? I see two levels:
- partnership/relationship level
- flirting level
On the level of a partnership, what I find bothersome:
- It is not a conversation, I do not get to present my view... i.e. she repeats "But I cannot see any change", "You're still wearing the same shirt size".
- On the level of a partnership, I do NOT want anyone to feel belittled, ridiculed, ashamed... So I find it difficult to navigate outside of the situation where she says "Can you see any change?" (I state "Yep, my shirt feels more fitted), and she just repeats "I cannot see any change." - I do not want to "shoot back" at her with a comment like "Well, I've been getting compliments" or whatever, because that makes her feel like the fact that she cannot see it is WRONG... I would rather say: Hey, look here... (Like if she says "my phone has no reception"... I'm not going to say "well mine does", but rather "let me take a look")
--- but, on the level of a partnership, her whole assessment of exercise effectiveness is just plain wrong, in my eyes. I mean, should I be going to the gym only to be measured by shirt size??? What about 1 rep maximum, number of repetitions, etc. I hinted at this, and it was ignored. In hindsight, I would have expanded this argument much more, but "in the heat of battle", I was so mesmerized by the fact that "she cannot SEE it"
- There is very little support of ME in this whole argument, and it would have been so easy to provide... I mean...: some concern over why I haven't been exercising (I know you've had a lot of work, but hey, it's new year, lets make the change!), some support regarding the fact that I am lifting heavier (Hey, good work! Keep that up and I'm sure I'll see the changes), the fact that I WANT to exercise and cycle (Wait, so you did your workout and then got on the bike? Good job!). Nada. Zero. Cycling sucks because you don't get a hot body. Weightlifting you're clearly doing wrong, because I cannot SEE it.
KEY QUESTION HERE: Do I go back and tell her: Look, I'm really glad we had that conversation about my training last time. It was open and honest and I thank you for that. However, it didn't feel very supportive to me. Maybe, next time you could... XYZ... and I believe that would leave me with a more energized mood to do better. I try to do the same for you and we can help each other reach our goals.
Do I open this, or not? If I do, to me, it seems like a responsible thing to do. On the other hand, it may seem like I was too touched by what was said. But, if I keep ignoring this... well, I don't want to be in a relationship with "ignorance" as one of its values.
On the level of flirting.. well... anything I ought to have done better? I mean, I don't want to be mean.... but the fact that she just kept repeating "I cannot see it" was provocative and could be misused in so many ways ("Well, others gave me compliments", "Maybe you ought to look a little better", "I'm not doing this for the looks"), same thing with "If you're not wearing a bigger shirt, then it's not working", yada yada yada...
Thoughts, tips, tricks?
Thank you!